Tears for Fears

7 Mar

Yesterday I nearly cried during my hour long computrainer session. I’m just putting it out there because this is a blog and blogs are for honesty and I know that some people out there will respect my decision to admit something so mortifying. I like to think of myself as a tough cookie; a cookie that doesn’t crumble as easily as some other cookies. I’m like the ginger snap to most people’s day-old chocolate chip. You really gotta sit on me hard to make me break. OK, enough of that already overly-extended metaphor.

When I was boxing, our coach used to say that his girls didn’t cry after fights because we’d gotten all our tears out during training. And that was the truth. There were a lot of tears shed in the gym locker room after rough sparring sessions. But when tears came back then, it was always because I had performed poorly or let somebody whip my ass. Tears came when I realized I’d given up in the middle of a round or I’d gotten scared off by someone bigger and stronger than me. Tears came because I felt sorry for myself; like I’d let my teammates down.

When tears come during endurance training, for me at least, it’s less about having been beaten and more about facing the possibility of being licked. Yesterday’s workout was hard. It was hard from beginning to end. But at some point in the middle of the session, I thought, “Fuck this, it’s too hard.” And then I thought, “No come on, Edith, you can do it.” And then I was like, “Are you insane, no you can’t. And you don’t have to. You don’t HAVE to do this. No one is forcing you.” And then I thought, “You don’t have to but you CAN.” And then it went like this: You can’t! You can! You can’t! You can! I hate this! I love this! This is pointless! This will make you stronger!

But that whole inner dialogue isn’t even what prompted the urge to cry. The urge came right after the 6th (of 12) 30 second, 300 watt interval was over and my 4 minute recovery began. My recovery was at 150 watts, which is only 25 watts less than my hardest interval from last Friday–when I did 8 x 4 minute intervals at 175 watts followed by 3 minute recoveries at 100. Forget about the numbers. What it all means is that my recoveries yesterday didn’t feel like recoveries. They felt only moderately easier than my main intervals. So after killing my legs for 30 seconds, I realized I wasn’t really getting a chance to rest. And that’s when I thought I was going to lose it. That was when every hard moment of my life and all my fears of failure popped up in front of me like a brick wall.

I don’t know what happened. I didn’t cry. The urge passed. I finished the workout bloodied but unbowed. Is this the shit that makes you stronger? Or is it self punishment for some unknown crime?

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2 Responses to “Tears for Fears”

  1. Andy March 7, 2013 at 9:37 pm #

    Love it!

    • mymultipersonality March 7, 2013 at 9:57 pm #

      If I’d known you might read this, I’d have been less honest. at least I still have yet to vomit.

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